Category Archives: Work-Life Balance

superdad-1 Considering the subject of this post, I’m pretty sure to earn myself some flack so let’s just cover the “role” biases right off. For over fifteen years of my marriage, I chose to be a stay-at-home mom. Because my husband worked long hours earning his Ph.D. and working, I did what I could to save money and I did most of the housework–which isn’t saying much because I’m a horrible housekeeper–and took care of the day-to-day activities with the children. My husband was always willing to help, but we ended up with rather traditional family roles. I was good with that.

Then, I took a chance with my writing and realized how much I wanted to become an author. My husband was on-board, but to be honest, it took a while. Change rarely occurs like the flip of a coin. It’s a gradual process. I often felt like the words of encouragement coming from his mouth didn’t match the expectations that still went on with our family. I couldn’t write all day while the kids were in school and still get the laundry, cooking, errands, etc. done and not have more help from my family. It was tough. On everyone.

As my husband realized my struggles, the dynamics started to change. He never complained about a messy house before; he’s not that kind of guy, but I could often sense his irritation. More and more, I noticed him evaluating my time and progress as an author against the discomfort of some clutter and un-done projects, and I won out. When I got down, instead of saying that taking the time to write was okay, he started reminding me that it was important. Despite his heavy work load and long commute, he started taking more time with the kids and the house. Recently, family circumstances required that I get a regular paycheck.

Now, I find myself trying to juggle the house, kids, job, and writing. No matter what people say about the modern world and modern women, we still tend to feel responsible for the grocery shopping, meals, laundry, and the activities of our children, even if we can divide up all the housework. I still take those responsibilities on myself, but again, my husband stepped up. He works from home twice a week and started taking care of many of the family appointments on those days, often working late into the night to compensate. With our change in schedule, he’s had to take the kids to school every morning and picks them up twice a week, which is a fair chunk of his work time. I often write at night and he works on his computer, making up for what he couldn’t get done during the day. He also does the dishes every day, even when I’m not able to lift a finger in the house because of other responsibilities and writing time. Last week, I made the list and he did the grocery shopping. I think we work as a team better than we ever have before in our 20+ years of marriage.

Often, when I consider how much more money he makes compared to me, it doesn’t seem fair that he bends over backward to help me with my work and goals when the return is so comparably minimal. And then I remember, that it’s not about my work, or his work, or money. It’s about goals, and each other, and the things in life that matter to us and the fact that we have always put each other first.

As we talk this month about making time to write, I’m glad that my husband and I took time to communicate, to be patient with one another, to learn how to be supportive, and to never give up. So, how do I find time to write? I make time, in part because I owe it to those who have supported and encouraged me for so long–my family. I think we all need our close family to be cheerleaders and if you don’t have that, I suggest some understanding talks and perhaps some counseling. Making time for writing is important, but working with your loved ones to balance that time and to understand one another will make all the difference in the world, both in your writing and in life.

Colette Black Bio:

Colette Black lives in the far outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona with her family, 2 dogs, a mischievous cat and the occasional unwanted scorpion. She loves learning new things, vacations, and the color purple. She writes New Adult and Young Adult sci-fi and fantasy novels with kick-butt characters, lots of action, and always a touch of romance. Find her at www.coletteblack.net

Great Expectations: A Guest Post by Matthew Becket

March 5, 2016

fictorians

Guest Posts Matthew Becket The Fictorians The Writing Life Work-Life Balance 4 Comments

A guest post by Matthew Becket.

Two incredible visuals pop into my head when I think of the writers’ life—George McFly opening a box of books at the end of Back to the Future and Jack Torrance scolding his wife during an unproductive writing session in the movie The Shining. Both scenarios are powerful and affected me as a young movie obsessed kid in the Eighties. I didn’t know any writers personally then and Hollywood hadn’t shown me much in the way of how they should present themselves at home. These guys seemed real to me and I took them seriously.

I remember the warm feeling I got when George showed Marty Mcfly those books. Keep in mind, this was Marty’s perfect nineteen-eighty-five where all his previous problems were fixed. His Dad glowed as he presented Marty with a copy and gave a brief, but optimistic, speech on achievement. The sun was shining, everyone was glowing, and the audience was happy because they wanted George to win. He did it! He had been published! As a twelve year old boy watching this I thought that meant that George had made millions of dollars and would never have to work again. This is what writers do!

Copyright by Warner Bros. and other respective production studios and distributors. Intended for editorial use only.

The flip-side, displayed in the movie The Shining, gave me a different impression of writers. Jack Torrance drank heavily, said bizarre things to his wife, talked to ghosts, and ignored his gifted son. Violent outbursts and drinking eventually led him down a literal path to self destruction. There was no sunny day or box of books to share with his son. Nope. Jack Torrance turned into a hunk of frozen meat. Is this what writers do?

As young writers, we hope for the George McFly scenario. But what did that scene not show? Did it show the hours it took to write the first draft of George’s book? It didn’t have to. The George in that reality was a perfect George and an object of Hollywood fantasy. Things came easy to him.

I’m not twelve anymore and I’ve met real writers. I’ve met ones that have put in the hours and sacrifice. I’ve met successful authors and when they talk I listen really closely. These people have found a balance between real life and the writers’ life. They have devised a situation at home where they can create. I’ve picked up some of what they said and, although the following may not wholly pertain to you, I’m sure you’ll get something out of it.

You’re a writer! Tada!

First off, realize that the other members of your household cannot take your writing seriously if you don’t. Anyone can suddenly say: “I’m a writer!”, but there has to be something there. You cannot expect anyone to be supportive unless you’re actively writing. Unfortunately, they may never take it seriously, but they cannot possibly do so unless you take those first steps. You have to write.

If you aren’t taken seriously, others may think it’s a phase. They may just consider it a cute little hobby, and you’ll have to come to terms with that. Do not expect them to be your number one supporter especially if you have nothing to show for it. This will be part of your growth as a writer. You can use this as a catapult hurtling yourself closer to a career. Prove them wrong.

If you do have a supportive spouse or significant other it can be really fantastic. If they’re in the business it can be a no-brainer. Although, supportive family members deserve payback for those years of support. As young authors we have little or no money to show for all our efforts. It is important to meet that support with utter gratitude (and someday, hopefully, money). Again, it goes back to the same idea — you have to write.

Don’t forget to do the laundry and feed the cat.

Next, and this is tricky, you need to nurture your writing career without neglecting family. Writers will always find the time to write, but they need to do this without damaging relationships. This is usually a situation of give and take. Explain to your loved ones how important it is for you to get time to write. Create a schedule in which all the important things you normally do are highlighted and fit your writing time around those things. (Recently I’ve been using a calendar in conjunction with wipe-off boards and just planning ahead has taken a tremendous amount of stress off my shoulders.) When the others in your home notice the lengths you’re taking to make sure you haven’t forgotten you live there too, they will most likely respect your writing time. Don’t give them a reason to resent it. Eventually they’ll see it as a part of your routine. Hopefully, they’ll see it as your job.

The grain of salt.

Another sensitive aspect of having your family or spouse involved in your writing is their critique. These people know you, they will have biases. Just as sometimes we’re too close to our writing, our family members can be too close to it as well. They may say they love everything you do, or quite the opposite – they may shut it down straight away. It isn’t fair to them to think that they should view your writing in the same way a larger fanbase would. Find the largest grain of salt you can and take it when family members read your writing. Of course there are exceptions. Perhaps your spouse is a fantastic line editor and even does this as a profession. I certainly have talented individuals in my family that I run things past. Even as their intentions may be good, realize that the buck certainly doesn’t stop with them.

When it comes to your home life give the writer in yourself gravity and identify with it. Be bold, passionate, and don’t be afraid to say “Yeah, I’m a writer.” The more you vocalize it and let others know, you’ll be less likely to fail and begin to have more expectations – great expectations – for yourself.

You can do this. You’re a writer.

About Matthew Becket:

Matthew started lying as soon as he could talk. Thrilled with the reaction he received, he started making the lies bigger. Some of the lies he had kicked around for years became commodiously appropriate for the written word. Matthew has fun lying in the Middle Grade genre, but lately has been taking on the Adult Dark Humor Crime Thriller genre. He is currently working on his novel – The Sommelier.

When not lying, he is usually traveling, or hanging out with his wife and three cats in Celebration, Florida while looking up words like “commodious” on thesaurus.com .

Where do I find this guy?

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/matthewdavidbecketauthor/?ref=hl

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MatthewBecket

Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/MatthewBecket

Writing is Life

March 3, 2016

fictorians

Balancing Acts Conventions Day Jobs Family Scott Lee Starting a Career Superstars Writing Seminars Teaching The Writing Life Work-Life Balance Writing as An Emotional Outlet No Comments

A Guest Post from Scott Lee

I pulled in to the house, just back from my third time attending the Superstars Writing Seminar. I had spent the ride home rehearsing the arguments I would present to my wife as to why I should pull out the credit card and immediately pay for Superstars 2017. After all, the price was the lowest it would ever be, it was set to go up in the morning, and we had a rough idea that our tax return was going to be pretty sweet… Argument in the bag, right? In. The. Bag.

Then I noticed that our little car wasn’t in the drive way. Huh. Becca wasn’t home. Perhaps I would end up waiting awhile before delivering my winning Superstars argument. Or then again, Becca wasn’t home…but no, I’ve lived enough to recognize that thought as a trap.

So, I walk into the house, playing it cool, calm and confident. I had an argument to make.

***

So here I am. Blogging. About writing. And life. And balance. Feeling that I owe you, dear reader, some modicum of advice, insight or wisdom. So here goes.

As I’ve thought about this over the past few weeks I knew pretty quickly that the story I started the blog out with—I’ll finish it later, don’t worry—would have to be included somehow. It is too ironic not to be, and it embodies what thoughts I’ve managed to gather.

First off, I find that framing the question as finding balance between life and writing, writing and real life, or between art and life—creates a false dichotomy. When I considered opening with this point, I had to ask myself if I wasn’t nitpicking. Was I just giving way to personal prejudice against any dichotomy? Everyone talks about writing this way. But I don’t think I’m just picking nits. We can talk about balancing priorities in life, we can talk about where writing fits in our lives, but as long as we split life from writing, even subconsciously, we’re self-sabotaging.

My job doesn’t define me. I am a teacher, but it’s a single facet of who I am not the sum of my identity. Even so, I don’t separate my role as a teacher from my life. It’s not something I go and do when I’m not living. And my role as a writer is no different. If you allow yourself to separate your writing from your “life,” then you make any pursuit of writing time, let alone balance, much harder.

Furthermore, in my experience, most writers are likely to experience things in exactly the opposite direction. It is writing that feels most like life. If we adopt a mental stance where we’re saying that isn’t true, suddenly we’re trying to find time for and balance with, a triviality. Good luck with that.

Second, in practical experience I’ve most often found “balance” by being a binge writer. My typical day didn’t include writing at all. And then when the muse struck in the form of some deadline, I became a zombie with an IV drip of caffeine who taught school and was hubby/daddy during the hours in a day that a sane person was awake, and, during the late night and early morning hours, I wrote like mad in order to get the paper done while the house was quiet. I wrote my grad school papers, my published short story, and my published short story collection/thesis, in this fashion. By the way, 16-19 hours of work/family followed by 5-8 hours of writing, is not balance, it’s insanity. But when I had to, I got writing done, and that seemed like enough. Not an approach I recommend.

I began to make headway a few years ago, when we went on our 10th anniversary vacation. We picked a destination vacation rather than a running-around-seeing-things vacation, and our schedule was determined almost entirely by my writing. I got up in the morning a bit before Becca and wrote my morning pages—three pages, long hand—a daily journaling/meditation exercise I encountered through Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way books. Then, later, we made our way down to the public library where I’d get a guest pass and a computer and write while Rebecca patiently read whatever caught her eye. I never wrote for more than an hour and a half in a sitting, and most days I wrote for just at an hour, if not a little less. In those five days I wrote well over 10,000 words of new fiction. Not the most I’d ever put together over five days, but I did it without a deadline, without having to try to kill myself in the process, and without suddenly achieving the miraculous hours and hours of writing time I had been subconsciously waiting for before I could “get serious.”

The point isn’t go take a long vacation to Telluride, Colorado without any kids, it’s that in less than two hours-a-day, I put out one of the best steady chunks of words I ever had, and at the end of the process I was neither dead, high on caffeine, delirious, nor stressed out of my mind. I did it as a small part of my ordinary life.

When I got home I had to admit to myself—for the first time, although it seems painfully obvious in retrospect—that I could in fact find balance. Make time to write without killing myself. And I started doing so.

I would love to tell you that I immediately became incredibly disciplined and dove into writing what is now my bestselling novel an hour or less at a time over the next few months. That’s not what happened. My life wasn’t transformed. Nor was my writing. But I wrote more than I ever had, with greater regularity, greater ease, and less stress. And I produced more than I’d ever produced on any single project before.

So here’s my two tiny bits of wisdom: (1) You don’t need a ton of time. Just because Kerouac supposedly wrote On the Road as a highly caffeinated high speed physical endurance test doesn’t mean you have to somehow trade life for writing time. You don’t. Make writing time a part of your life. Make it routine, work-a-day, consistent. Don’t bargain for hours, days, weeks, months, or a year’s sabbatical with your work or your family. Bargain with yourself for an hour or so at a shot, or when you get really smart for any tiny snatch of free time. Make writing life. And you will discover more time and more peace than seems possible if you haven’t done it yet.

(2) Writing isn’t separate from life. In Neil Gaiman’s excellent “Make Good Art” commencement speech, he suggests that the response to negative experiences in life ought to be make good art. I often hear people simplify this to “When life happens to you, make good art!” I know what they mean, but it makes me sad. Because it’s wrong. Art isn’t the counter to life. It’s the ultimate expression of life, and its beauty, tragedy, and value. Art—or writing—isn’t just a record of life, it is the most positive and life affirming of human of acts—the act of creation. So don’t pit your writing against your life. Because the minute you pit anything against your life instead of embracing it as part of your life and making it essential, it will lose. Every. Single. Time.

Now I promised you the rest of the story…

***

My wife was waiting for me back in our room. I felt something coming, kind of the way the lady tied to the tracks in a classic melodrama must feel something coming.

“Hi Becca,” I said. “What happened to the car?”

“Well,” she said, “about that. I was driving on the other side of town today and every warning light on the dashboard came on at once. So I took it to the Toyota dealer. They say the transmission is shot. It’s going to be $5000 dollars to replace it.”

I asked about Superstars 2017 anyway. Why? Because writing is part of my life. An essential part. My wife knows and supports this. We talked about it. I didn’t apologize for asking, and she didn’t yell at me for being stupid, selfish or ridiculous or impractical.

I haven’t paid for Superstars 2017…yet. And I won’t for a while. Seems we need that big tax return elsewhere. I didn’t insist on paying for Superstars immediately, or get down about not being able to. Instead, we made plans for exactly how to pay for it later.

I’ll pay for my car now, because that’s part of my life, and I invest in it. I’ll go to Superstars next year, because writing is part of my life, and I invest in it. In the mean time I’ve had a few hours here and there, and I’m about finished with draft one of a new short story. I’ve loved writing it. I haven’t had a lot of time, but I’m getting it done, and every minute so far has been pure pleasure.

Scott Lee:

Scott Lee is a strange individual who chose teaching and writing as his two primary careers. Obviously he has no desire to make any money, and on that count has largely succeeded. He has, however, written much poetry, some individual short stories, published a short story collection entitled Singular Visions, directed 15 plays, and fathered several human children to go along with his less material offspring. He has thoroughly succeeded, in his own humble opinion, at living a worthy and interesting life.

Chasing a Dream and the Temptation to Work Yourself to Death

March 2, 2016

Kristin Luna

Balancing Acts Day Jobs Goals Kristin Luna Life Philosophies Making Progress as a Writer Reflection Self-Awareness Self-Motivation Starting a Career The Fictorians The Writing Life Work-Life Balance No Comments

A day doesn’t go by when one of my writer friends proudly proclaims online, “It’s 3am, I should sleep but I just need to finish this scene. I’ll rest when I’m dead.” It’s almost like a badge of honor for writers to show others how late into the night they work, sacrificing sleep, personal time, and free time. When I started focusing my life and career toward writing, these were the posts that I thought I needed to live up to. They were inspirational. Sacrifice all for your dream. Go, go, go, until there’s nothing left.

Now, whenever a post pops up on my feed about another writer pushing themselves to the limit, I keep scrolling. Because that kind of behavior takes me back to a nightmare time in my life when I worked in that job.

Most of us have had that job. The job where you worked long, thankless hours. Where high stress was your every day norm. The boss you hated, breathing down your neck. The one where each day felt like you lost years of your life. The one where you reached burn out after only a couple of weeks.

I come baring good news: writing is not that job.

Don’t make it that job.

In a short, fantastic read over on Medium.com by Jessica Seeman, Jessica points out that working hard felt like a non-negotiable. “Working hard is ignorance. Because I was young, and my narcissistic boss told me it is the only way.” But working that hard takes energy away from other activities necessary for your health. “Working hard is selfish. For I am robbing my family and friends from my presence, love and attention.”

When I was working for small businesses and startups, it seemed like not taking a break was held in high regard. But science tells us taking breaks not only makes you more productive, it also makes your work better. When you’re busy and have deadlines, it feels counterintuitive to take a break. But taking those breaks helps you stay focused on the task at hand, helps your brain take in information and make connections, and helps us reevaluate what’s important.

Doing the best you can in the time allotted is good enough. There is no need to hyperextend or overexert yourself. The work will be there for you to do, no matter what state you put yourself in to do it.

Don’t get me wrong. You will have deadlines. And some of those deadlines will be tight, and you will have to occasionally give up some free time. But if you allow your free time to be taken over time and time again, then that’s exactly what will happen until you decide to stop it, or until burnout stops you.